.jpg "whatmotherhoodlookslike")
{iphone self portrait: this is what motherhood looks like}
When I was about 36 weeks pregnant, just weeks from meeting our little rosebud, I sat in a circle with other soon-to-be-parents. We had been meeting once a month since early in our pregnancies. The first baby of the group had been born and we were all eager to meet him and assess the sanity of his parents. So they sat there and told their story. They talked about labor and delivery and sleep and feeding. I soaked in every word, as if they held the secret. In retrospect, everything they said probably went in one ear and out the other. I nodded my head knowingly, as if I knew what I was about to experience. As if we were ready. (Ha!) And then I asked the following question:
“How many burp cloths did you buy?”
Really? Really? That’s what I asked? As if having the exact right amount of burp cloths was going to mean we were totally prepared for anything.
The reality is that there is no way to prepare. If there was, I would have bought every single burp cloth I could find.
Everyone says it, but there is no way to understand how much your life is going to change when a baby is born – not just in beautiful, wondrous ways, but in hard, raw ways. Nobody can tell you what to expect. You just have to live it.
I remember reading “mom blogs” before I had Sadie and dreaming about how fun life was going to be with a baby in the house – how she would be born and fit right in with the life we already had. These blogs make it all look so easy. Moms who are knitting booties two weeks after having their babies. Moms who are training for marathons or making clothes for their babies or launching websites mere weeks after their babies were born. (Oh, wait. I was that mom.)
But what those moms don’t tell you (and what I’m going to tell you now) is that it’s hard. Even when you want to have a baby more than anything you’ve ever wanted, it’s hard. Nobody talks about what you have to give up in order to open your heart wider than it’s ever opened and what you’ll gain when you release the old and welcome the new.
This is Motherhood. With a capital “M”.
It’s giving when you have nothing left to give. Loving when you need to be loved. Holding, dreaming, mourning, celebrating, laughing, crying. And then doing it all over again.
I’ve been hesitant to share this side of my life with you because I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I know many of you are dreaming of getting pregnant, are dealing with infertility, are waiting to meet a life partner so you can have a baby together, or are just plain sick of seeing happy baby pictures on mom blogs (including my own.) I’ve also been hesitant because I have a ton of pregnant friends who are currently wistfully dreaming about their babies-on-the-way, just as I was a few months ago and I don’t want to diminish that joy.
The thing is that I am so grateful. And tired and confused and sad and ecstatic and joyful and upside-down and over-the-moon and more. I am a mix of so many things. I think this is just the first taste of what motherhood is all about.
So yes, this is hard. And amazing. I am so full of love for this wonder girl that I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. And I wanted to share this just in case you are going through something similar. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are part of a sisterhood. We are all in this beautiful mess together.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
She says, “I guess i’ll have to give it birth
to give it birth
i guess, i guess, i guess i have to give it birth
i guess i have to, have to give it birth
there’s a beautiful mess inside and it’s everywhere
Just look at yourself now
deep inside
deeper than you ever dared
there’s a beautiful mess inside
beautiful mess inside
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
This photo and post were inspired by a simple photo on Instagram entitled “this is what motherhood looks like”, taken by the beautiful mama, Liz Lamoreux. If this post resonated with you at all, then hurry over and read this post by Liz. She writes, “there can be deep deep love and frustration about the realness of it all. you can hold both at once. you can hold both the beauty and shit.”
Incidentally, after I finished writing this blog post, my dainty little girl awoke from her nap, smiled the biggest smile, and had…how shall I put this delicately…a diaper malfunction. So yes, I’m with Liz. Beauty and shit. Both literal and figurative.
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one of the most beautiful things i’ve read. so so so happy this crazy world brought our mama hearts together. lots of love my friend.
so beautiful, and resonant. thank you for writing so candidly.
Beautiful words Darrah.
You know I’m one of those gals aching to become a mama and so often with posts about motherhood I feel left out of the best (and toughest) club in the whole world.
But the way you (and Liz) write about motherhood has me wholeheartedly wanting to know more, to hear how you are doing, to make space for keeping up with how the journey is going for you.
You do not sound ungrateful at all. You’re simply being real and honest. Motherhood IS hard. And it is just as emotionally messy sometimes as the soiled diapers and slobbery burp cloths. There is a lot of ambiguity in motherhood & it’s not always pretty. But that in no way diminishes the LOVE. If anything, it speaks to our capacity.
I am long past the diaper days, as you know, and deep into the teenage years, which have their own set of challenges, heartaches and wonders.
Just because we’re moms, it doesn’t mean we’re not still human.
We do the best we can.
I struggled for years with infertility til finally having my daughter. I was sooo thrilled to fall pregnant AND to carry her to term. I had THE best pregnancy – felt great all the way through. And in hindsight, I didn’t really think at.all about the “after”. I was like you – it was all about having enough burp cloths and a detailed birth plan.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. She’s now six and although it changes, being a mom is pretty all encompassing. I wouldn’t trade it for anything AND it is hard at times….
Beautiful post, Darrah. You are so kind and generous with your thoughts. Motherhood is all those things. I have described the first year of motherhood as a real “crucible”. I felt like I was being forged into something better, stronger, more resilient. But it was/IS hard. It hurt. I cried all the time. Even now, 9 years later, I am still “becoming” a mother. There is always something new to learn about my boy, about myself. Thanks again for sharing.
Beautiful, beautiful truth here. Thank you for sharing the reality.
Beautiful and honestly written. You hit the nail on the head, Darrah. It *is* hard. The hardest thing I will ever do. Motherhood cracks you wide open and it’s hard and beautiful all at the same time. And, I wouldn’t trade a moment of it for anything.
I have to laugh Darrah—I didn’t even know that I needed a burp cloth!! LOL!
Oh goodness, I have a lot to learn–and just have simply decided to take this whole new adventure of mine one little step at a time.
Thanks for being so honest and eloquent and beautiful Darrah.
LOVE you tons!! And that little Sadie too!
BIG Hugs!
Thank you for having the courage to write about motherhood so openly and honestly. My daughter just turned one, and I feel like I’m still recovering and adjusting. The lessons are hard…sometimes harder than I think I can handle.
My daughter is the greatest gift I’ve ever received, and yet being a mommy is the most challenging job I’ve ever had. I never knew that a beautiful blessing could be so exhausting and overwhelming, but it is true. Some days I feel downright broken. Other days I feel like I’ve broken through to a new layer of myself, where there is more love and understanding than before.
Such a beautifully honest account of the joys and difficulties of motherhood. As always you put it into such eloquent and poetic words. It is easy to get caught up in how we think everyone else manages it so well, and a relief that we actually aren’t alone in the struggle.
Hi Darrah… this post is so lovely in its grittiness. The Boyfriend and I regularly discuss having kids; I’m caught in the beauty and he’s caught in the shit. This post has helped me to see that balance does exist and we can reconcile those differences when the time comes. Thank you… much love xxx