I had a revelation about a month ago. I was on a particularly difficult run. About 5 minutes into the run, I hit a wall. In the past, at the immediate onset of heavy breathing or aching thighs, I would have stopped. I am not a runner (or so I used to think) and my motto always was: if it hurts, then why do it?
As I started my third week of running, something began to change inside. I started celebrating the hard part of the run. I knew that it was temporary. I knew that aching and heavy breath was not necessarily a bad thing. It meant I was growing. It meant that what was on the other side would be something I didn’t even know I was capable of. And before I knew it, the strain and aches diminished and I was running as if my legs were connected to my heart instead of my brain. I was running easily and without effort. And I was having fun.
I am getting married in three days. This week, I have been calm and cool and giggly. I have been having the time of my life. Everyone has commented that I’m the calmest bride they’ve ever met. And my response has been, “Why not?” Why not enjoy the process and celebrate? There’s no need for stress! Pshaah!
And then I hit a wall. Last night, as my house filled with people and I basked in the glow of our families coming together, I was suddenly exhausted. I wanted more than anything to jump up and down with joy. THIS has been what I’ve been waiting for. This is my dream come true. As people laughed and chatted and ate pizza, I hit a wall. And I was annoyed with myself for hitting a wall.
I excused myself and got into bed early. I listened to what my body needed. But my mind started to race. Throughout the night, I tossed and turned and fought against myself. I started worrying that I wasn’t going to get enough sleep. That I was going to get sick. That I wasn’t going to be the bride I wanted to be. That I would miss all the fun.
And then I remembered my experience several weeks ago on that difficult run. I told myself that the hard stuff is the good stuff. These feelings of exhaustion and worrying need to be experienced. If I fight against them, then all of my fears will come true. But if I relax into them and allow them to happen, I will find myself on the other side sooner. And the other side will probably be better than my wildest dreams. I just have to get there.
I woke up this morning exhausted. But this is part of the process. I’m ready to experience ALL OF IT. The joy, the fatigue, the nerves, the jubilation. Bring it on.