{sadie after one of our runs. poor thing.}
“Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee.”
~ Montaigne
I started running (again.) This is my third time doing the Couch to 5K program and the first time since being pregnant and having a baby almost nine months ago. I was inspired to start running again by my friend Eileen who was inspired by this post (don’t let the word “maggots” deter you).
Perhaps I should back up a little. I am not athletic. I am not outdoorsy. In fact, I am quite “indoorsy”. I would choose being at home or sitting in a coffee shop over most physical activities. Don’t tell my parents, but when I was a kid, I would pretend that I’d twisted my ankle to get out of gym class. (Hi Mom and Dad!)
So when I tried running a couple of years ago, I was surprised by what my body was capable of. It was invigorating and empowering and dare I say it…fun!
But then life happened. I got married, quit my job, started a business, and had a baby. It’s been a whirlwind, to say the least. Who has time for running???
I’m full of excuses.
And that’s just it: I’ve made excuses for years. (Don’t we all?) I decide I’m not capable of something and then I just don’t do it. The result is that I miss out on a lot of cool stuff.
A few weeks ago, I was in my yoga class (I returned to yoga recently, too!) and the teacher was demonstrating our next pose. As soon as I saw it, I shut down. Nope. I’m not doing that. I don’t do upside-down poses. That pose is for other people, not for me. (True story – I’ve avoided certain yoga poses my whole life.) But then I thought about other things I’ve done that were MUCH harder that I had never done before … like … ummm…having a baby, for instance. I decided that if I could have a freaking baby, I could do this. A minute later, I was upside down with my feet on the wall doing the pose I told myself I couldn’t do.
What else do I deny myself? What else am I missing out on?
Back to running.
Yesterday, I started Week 4 of Couch to 5K. I looked at the new week’s running schedule and my first reaction was, “Impossible!” The schedule called for a run of 4 minutes, 6 minutes, and 4 minutes, with some walking in between. Remember, I’m not athletic and I’m still recovering from having a baby, PPD, and general lethargy. (Excuses, excuses.)
This time I caught my negative thoughts and did something about it. I tied up my shoes, put Sadie in the stroller, and got started. When I hit my first run, I decided to challenge myself to see something new every time I passed a house. I’ve passed these houses a million times before, but by the time four minutes had gone by, I had seen so many new things. I saw tiny prayer flags, a white cat in a window, a friendly lady in a cute hat, a beautiful garden tucked behind some trees. Everywhere I looked, I found something I had overlooked before.
Before I knew it, I had finished running. I was amazed. A few months ago, at the height of my postpartum depression, there’s no way you would have found me running, let alone enjoying it. I had lost the ability (or desire) to see beauty in the everyday moments. And here I was, five months later, finding it again…with the help of my running stroller and my yoga mat.
So why am I telling you all of this?
I guess I’m trying to process so much of what I’ve experienced recently and figure out how else I’ve been limiting myself. I am evolving in all of my roles and they are all connected even when they are messy and imperfect.
I’ve decided I want to share more of myself here in my cozy internet home. For some reason, I’ve had the limiting belief that I couldn’t share certain things here. It’s time to change that. I want to share my stories of joy AND heartache. I want to post photos of my clients and iPhone photos of my baby. I want to talk about motherhood and what it’s like to be a SAHM/WAHM (stay-at-home/work-at-home-mom). I want to post photos of my family with abandon and publish imperfect blog posts that ramble and don’t always have a clear conclusion (like this one.)
My life and my business are intertwined. I am a mom and a wife. I am a photographer and a writer. I am a runner (ha!) and a yogi. I am a Slice of Life excavator, a beauty seeker, and a couch potato. I watch “Friends” to escape and Pema Chodron to connect. I am all of these things and more and don’t want to be limited by the story I’m telling myself about who I should or shouldn’t be.
Instead, I want to look around and enjoy the view as I forge a new path. From where I stand, the view is quite spectacular.
I’ll end by asking you this: What are you denying yourself? What do you want to try that you’ve never tried before?
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“I am all of these & more and don’t want to be limited by the story I’m telling myself about who I should or shouldn’t be.”
Brilliant, Darrah. Packs a punch. I think one of the most powerful things we can do is to challenge the limiting beliefs we have about ourselves & give ourselves permission to leap right over them.
There’s a great passage from Sharon Salberg’s book “Faith” that says:
“Faith is the animation of the heart that says, ‘I chose life, I align myself with the potential inherent in life, I give myself over to that potential.’ This spark of faith is ignited the moment we think, ‘I’m going for it. I’m going to try.’”
Your post here affirms that sensibility.
I think what I’ve denied myself is the faith that I am just as capable as anyone to pull off great things. Presently,I am working on a project that thrills me & scares the shit out of me. It involves an e-course and a desire to connect with and empower LGBT youth who are living in isolation and/or inhospitable environments. All of the usual voices are popping up….”You don’t know how to do this. Who are YOU to think you have anything to offer LGBT youth? You’re not smart enough, savvy enough, connected enough. Blah, blah, blah…” Every day, I have to make a choice to keep moving past the cacophony of these old tapes, to have faith in myself and to trust that the universe will give me clarity in the parts of the process that are still fuzzy for me.
At the end of life, it would be a shame to discover that the only things limiting my life were beliefs I had about myself.
As always, your post touches the core.