{photo by my talented hubby}

I recently read somewhere (I don’t remember where) that time spent on self-care is not wasted time. After almost a year and a half of devoting my life to another person, this has become my new mantra. Or “mom-tra”, so to speak.

The first time I left the house without Sadie, I went to my favorite coffee shop. I had spent countless hours there before she was born – writing, daydreaming, casually sipping soy lattes to my heart’s content. This time felt very different. I can’t remember how old Sadie was at the time – maybe a month or two old. I hadn’t been by myself in that long. I sat in the cafe, staring at my latte, and felt completely lost, unsure of how to relax. I distinctly remember feeling like I was missing something – like I’d lost a limb. I’d been attached to Sadie for almost a year. No wonder I was floundering, searching for air. It was then that I realized that I needed her as much as she needed me. It seemed like I was giving so much to her, but the truth is that she was giving so much back. I just didn’t know it yet.

Today, I’m sitting in the same exact cafe all by myself. Sadie (a happy, walking, almost-talking 16-month-old) is at home with her daddy. I no longer feel like I’ve lost an appendage. Instead, I feel like there’s an extension of me – a little person I’ve nurtured – out in the world experiencing life. I wonder what she’s doing, how she’s feeling. Is she giggling? Is she crying? Is she making her daddy laugh? Most likely, she’s done all of these things in the past five minutes.

I’m still working on letting go. I don’t know if I will ever feel the same sense of freedom I did before I had a child, but I am slowly building a new life, a new way of being, that helps me balance all of these complicated, wonderful feelings. This motherhood thing ain’t easy, no matter how you slice it. We spend our days holding so many emotions – not only our own, but that of our children. Between the laughter and tears and naps (when we’re lucky) and snacks and spills and clean-ups and uh-ohs, I’ve finally found a sliver of space. A sliver of freedom. I see it now. I am breathing into it when it arrives. I am cultivating more of it and reminding myself that not only is it okay to ask for it, but it is absolutely necessary.

And so I sit here at my favorite cafe, a year after PPD (what a difference a year makes!), writing the first blog post I’ve written in oh-so-long (and it feels oh-so-good!), missing my little girl something fierce, and feeling gratitude that I can do this now. All my limbs are in tact and I can finally relax.